When kids surf, think safety first

by Lawrence J. Magid
San Jose Mercury News
June 17, 2000

WHEN your children are online, they're out in public.

That's the first thing parents need to understand in coping with the difficult issue of how to protect their children when they visit the Internet.

Children should be taught that when they're talking with someone in a chat room or an instant message session, they're interacting with a stranger unless they're positive they really know that person in the ``real'' world.

In last week's column, I reported on the results of a national study that found 25 percent of children between the ages of 10 and 17 received unwanted sexually explicit pictures and that nearly one out of five had received an unwanted sexual solicitation during the past year.

Although most kids aren't deeply hurt by these experiences, some are clearly disturbed by them. Many parents are also disturbed -- not only by unwanted exposure to porn and suitors, but by the mere fact their children can readily find such material, or stumble on it accidentally.

So what's a parent to do? The question came up last week while I was in Washington, D.C., testifying at the Commission on Online Child Protection (www.copacommission.org). As a policy issue, I told the panel, it's important to distinguish between safety issues and moral issues. As a practical issue for parents, you need to prioritize your concerns, pick your battles and come up with a reasonable strategy to deal with whatever problems arise.

I think almost all parents would agree the safety of their children is the first priority. That's why it's so important children understand the Internet is something like a city street, where there are interesting buildings and people, as well as danger.

As I'm sure everyone realizes by now, no one really knows who you are online. That 13-year-old girl could actually be a 15-year-old boy or a 45-year-old man. Whoever he or she may be, make sure your children understand not to reveal anything about themselves that would allow someone to track them down. That includes the obvious, such as full name and address, but also less obvious details such as phone number, name and location of school and where parents work.

It's also a bad idea for your child to reveal his or her e-mail address, but that's sometimes self evident, unfortunately especially for America Online users.

By default, the screen name that appears in AOL chat rooms and instant message sessions is also your e-mail address. One solution is creating a special screen name that you or your children use whenever entering a chat room. Another trick, for instant messaging, is to download AOL Instant Messenger from AOL.com and register to use a screen name for that program that's not your regular AOL screen name.

In addition to not giving away their actual identify, it's important that your kids never get together with someone they meet online. If, for whatever reason, your child feels that it's absolutely imperative to get together with someone that they have ``met'' online, make sure it's in a public place, like a restaurant, at a reasonable hour and that Mom or Dad is present. That doesn't give you an iron-clad assurance that all will be well, but at least you'll get a rough idea of the person's age, gender and demeanor.

Speaking of age, don't assume this advice applies only to pre-adolescents. Yes, there are some particularly sick pedophiles who prey on young children. However, teens are victimized at a far higher rate than young children, especially when it comes to sexual crimes, according to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children.

What's more, not all teens who get into trouble through Internet contacts are snatched from home. In most cases, they are lured away. Teens are especially vulnerable to all sorts of exploitation because they are often going through emotional growing pains that make them easy prey for ``sympathetic'' and ``understanding'' individuals who are only too happy to give them a warm shoulder to lean on.

This cautionary advice even applies to adults. Recently, a man was arrested in Missouri for allegedly sexually assaulting adult women he met online. It gets even worse. Police suspect that he may have murdered some of the women he met in a sexually explicit chat room.

In addition to the issue of safety, there's the more complicated question of exposure to pornography -- complicated because, to begin with, most sexually explicit material is not illegal. So just because it may not be appropriate for children to look at doesn't give the government justification for a broad prohibition. Also, even though many kids are exposed to it accidentally, many more, I suspect, find it because they are looking for it.

How parents should respond depends on many factors, including the age of the child. Young children, for example, aren't likely to be looking for porn, but they are more likely than teenagers to be troubled if they stumble upon it. With teens, the issue isn't so much accidental exposure as it is their interest in finding it.

Technology for filtering Internet access -- an imperfect science -- is not appropriate in all situations and is especially problematic when it comes to teenagers.